How to Change Limiting Beliefs

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.“ – Wayne Dyer

How to Get Out of Your Own Way

Most of the time we are our greatest enemy. From childhood on we are literally scripted like a program by things that were said to us by our parents, other close relatives, teachers or friends. Experiences that happen to us also are stored in our memory and our brain is making conclusions about what we can do and more importantly, what we can’t or shouldn’t.

This way of experiencing reality results in a set of rules that become our belief-structure and therefore our mirror of „reality“ and as an important part of it our own identity. But this reality isn’t a fixed thing, it is an image, a perspective we have in our minds. If it comes to our own self these beliefs can be supporting for us, or limiting.

It is very important to realize, that these beliefs are not reality. Reality is a relative construct. Beliefs are thoughts in our head that have formed an image of the world, that we work with. But it is not reality.

You may not even be aware of such self-limiting beliefs, but certainly they are there inside. Even if you made a lot of personal progress in working on yourself, there are a lot of areas were limiting beliefs are holding you back.

Beliefs Are Not Reality

For instance the belief that the earth is flat was a belief of that many people were certain about. Also that the earth is the center of the universe was a belief that was „reality“ and people lived by it, until there came Galileo Galilei in 1610.

Let’s look at some areas, where limiting beliefs are common, for instance about money. Have you ever heard „The rich get richer and the poor stay poor.“ Or a more subtle belief is „Money is not important“ or „you have to work extremely hard to achieve financial success“ or even worse „Money is not for me.“

In the area of the mind there may be the belief „I am not intelligent or smart enough.“ or „I am a pure logical type and can’t show my emotions“. On the social level maybe there are beliefs like „I am not good with people.“ Or „I am not attractive to the opposite sex.“ Or such general beliefs like „I am too old.“ or the opposite „I am too young.“ And my all time favourite: „I don’t have enough time.“ Even if you can’t recognize yourself in these beliefs, there may be other rules, that you are holding true for you but which are not supporting your true nature.

Beliefs Are Co-Creating Your Reality

If such rules are working deep in our subconscious mind, are even held for the reality, these limiting beliefs are constantly influencing and distorting our possibilities and lifes. If you can become aware of these and identify them, you are able to change them, and by that, change your reality for the better.

How to build your psychological courage WRITTEN BY NIKKI DAVIES ,JANUARY 6, 2020

When we hear the word courage, we most commonly visualise scenarios around defending ourselves or others from attack — physical, verbal, emotional or psychological. Yet our personal courage ranges deeper than just fight or flight and, when triggered, can have significant positive benefits for our health and wellbeing, opportunities for success and our ability to move forward from crisis.

The concept of courage has been a subject of much discussion for philosophers across millennia and is a source of interest and investigation within a range of research interests, including psychology, sociology, leadership and education. While there is some debate around the mechanisms that make up courage, there is a general agreement that courage involves persistence in the face of danger or hardship and that we draw on courage to affect some kind of change. There is also agreement that we tap into different types of courage in various contexts to manage the specific demands of that particular situation. These include physical, moral and, more recently, psychological courage.

Bringing more psychological courage to life can bring all kinds of opportunities leading you towards the life you want to live and the person you want to be.

Physical courage is perhaps the easiest that comes to mind and is generally defined as the kind of courage we draw upon when facing a physical threat. It relies on us to put our physical selves at risk to protect self or others from some kind of bodily harm or assault. Moral courage, on the other hand, is the type of courage we need when we must stand up to a social wrong or social hypocrisy and is the kind of courage most often represented in stories and fables. It relies on us risking our social standing and the support of our peers but is embedded in our values and sense of right and wrong.

The main focus for this article, however, is psychological courage. Psychological courage refers to the strength we have to confront the truth of ourselves and our behaviours and to act where required to elicit change. This kind of courage involves facing our deep-seated fear of acknowledging and accepting our faults and vulnerabilities. It is about confronting the fact that we all behave badly at times, have blind spots as well as dysfunctional or unproductive habits that not only impact on our physical wellbeing, but our emotional and psychological wellbeing, too. It is the kind of courage required to acknowledge and accept the dissonance or gap that may exist between who we think we are and who we actually are. That is, the differences that often exist between our ideal and actual selves.

Strengths of courage

In positive psychology, psychological courage allows us to overcome our personal limitations in order to pursue a fuller life. Being courageous in this context helps us to maximise our chances of growing and evolving throughout life to become the best version of ourselves that we can be. It is about choosing to risk being vulnerable in order to pursue our greatest aspirations. To achieve this, positive psychologists have aligned the idea of psychological courage with four strengths: integrity (acting with authenticity), bravery (expressing moral courage in the face of opposition), persistence and vitality (being wholehearted in your approach to life).

At the heart of any definition of courage generally is the idea that there needs to be some kind of catalyst and risk. Whether this catalyst is always fear is up for debate. Discussion around the role of fear in the concept of courage is ongoing and the basic questions are these: Do we need fear to be in play to draw on courage? Is fear the only catalyst for courage to be engaged? While some psychologists believe fear must be in play for courage to be triggered, others suggest that other prompts can be just as useful in galvanising it.

These theorists suggest that in everyday circumstances it is perhaps more a sense of discomfort or disquiet that can trigger the use of courage. That is, the feeling of conflict between the life we’re living and the life we want to live. This theory suggests that psychological courage is a necessary part of an ongoing process: the first part is about recognising the need for self-reflection, the second is about using courage to practise self-reflection and the third requires us to engage our psychological courage to do something about it. And this is where the four strengths associated with courage can be used to help us to learn how to engage with the mechanism of courage in order to initiate the kind of change that will reduce our disquiet.

Integrity

The first strength, integrity, is about acting with authenticity; being true to yourself in terms of your values and ethics but also about being honest about who you are. That is, about taking responsibility for how you think and feel and what you do. While it is not about seeking perfection — because such a thing cannot exist — it is about rooting out the things about us that stop us from achieving our goals and actively managing or changing those things. While this might, at first glance, look contrary to the idea of integrity, integrity has an adaptive component to it, allowing us to modify our behaviour so that we can be more effective in living an authentic life.

The desire to live an authentic life is universal and has been a topic of instruction in religion and philosophy for millennia, yet we still struggle to understand what it means and to apply it to our daily lives. Arguably, all that we really need to understand is that at the core of most ideas around integrity and authenticity is that we not only need to know ourselves, but we need to beourselves as well. And this is where the strength of bravery is enacted.

Bravery

Bravery, in the context of psychological courage, is expressing moral courage in the face of opposition — that is, opposition from others and the innate opposition we tend to hold around truly knowing and accepting ourselves. The difficulty attached to developing psychological courage is that it can really only be drawn upon within moments of trouble or disquiet. It relies on us being on the edge of some kind of precipice, where something has to give. It relies on us being at the point where, to be able to move forward, we must take a deep breath and choose a different path or accept a difficult truth. In essence, it requires change.

While bravery requires us to see the truth of something and act upon it, it doesn’t necessarily mean acting alone. Indeed, it can require just as much (if not more) bravery to ask for help than it does to act in isolation. While it might not seem like it, there is bravery in drawing strength from your social network, not only because it requires us to outwardly admit that something needs to change but because it also requires us to act with an audience who may help to keep us accountable.

It should be remembered though, that there is a very big difference in asking for support and being proactive, and asking for support and being passive. The first requires bravery and action: asking for what we need and using that help actively. The second passes on action and responsibility to others — that is, we rely on someone else to “fix” what needs changing, rather than acting to elicit change ourselves. This difference between action and passivity is where the third strength of persistence comes in.

Persistence

Persistence is an important strength attached to psychological courage because it reinforces the fact that this kind of courage isn’t about one moment in time, but instead many moments — in the face of many obstacles both internal and external. As such, psychological courage must be thoughtful for it isn’t about being frivolous or throwing caution to the wind. Instead, it is about planning and understanding the challenges you will face and how you might manage them as the change process is enacted.

This means drawing on, or building from, our ability to self-regulate so that when we enter the zone between the now and the achievement of our goals, we can maintain our courage to work through risk, fear and uncertainty. It means being realistic about timeframes, about the hurdles we may expect to encounter and having multiple strategies to deal with these, including drawing on our social supports.

It is, therefore, all about taking action. Action inevitably takes courage and is intrinsically linked to risk. When we find the source(s) of our dissatisfaction, we need to act to change what needs to and can be changed as well as to manage what needs to be managed. This process, like the process of discovery, takes time, conscious effort and commitment; it also requires that we accept risk and all that it entails. When we do this, we exhibit the final strength linked to psychological courage: vitality.

Vitality

Vitality is being wholehearted in your approach to life. It is about launching yourself into each and every day prepared to succeed and prepared to fail. Our psychological courage prepares us for all that may come, the good and the bad, the dreams that come true and the hopes that are dashed. Psychological courage in this context is accepting that with life comes pain and disappointment but that this fact shouldn’t diminish our sense of hope, wonderment or determination to keep moving forward.

Taking back control

While all of these strengths help us to define psychological courage, at the heart of it is a need to take ownership and control over self. Typically, we seek external explanations for our discontent or failings. We see the failings of others as influencing our own: a romantic partner who doesn’t “get” us, a boss who isn’t fair, family members who expect too much. We often look everywhere else except at our own actions when trying to sort out what is wrong, yet bringing a mirror to our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours is really the most valid place to look.

In the end, we cannot control others but we can control ourselves — what we think, what we feel and how we respond to what is happening around us. Yet we often abdicate this control when we look to others to make us happy, to provide a smooth path to our goals, to give us the life we think we deserve and to take responsibility when things go wrong.

To counteract this instinctive desire to keep our egos safe from the truth, we need to remember that we create the world we live in: with our choices, with the way we interpret the events that happen to us and the people we give our power to. We may suddenly realise we’re not sure how we got where we are; how on earth we ended up in this place, this job or this relationship. Other times our habits keep us making the same mistakes, reacting the same way in certain situations and playing out the same scenes with partners, employers, colleagues, friends and family.

Persistence is an important strength because it reinforces the fact that this kind of courage isn’t about one moment in time, but instead many moments — in the face of many obstacles both internal and external.

Moving from a place that isn’t what we want or where we want to be requires us to find the courage to face our role in it. It begins by getting a clear picture about what it is that we most want from every part of our lives. It’s about unpacking the parts of life that aren’t satisfactory and then identifying the fears, habits, behaviours and choices we’ve made and continue to make that may be inadvertently holding us back from having it.

It isn’t a pretty process and it’s not something you can come to overnight. It is a process of slowly but surely uncovering and taking ownership of the things that don’t feel right and finding solutions to them. Sometimes these solutions aren’t going to require huge shifts in life but instead more subtle changes. For example, discontent in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean divorce or a split, nor does discontent in a job necessarily require a complete change of career. Instead, it could simply be a matter of recognising that our ways of seeing life mean that we focus on problems and not problem-solving. It could be a matter of improving our communication skills, learning to understand our triggers or sensitivities and developing strategies to better manage them. It could be about learning to appreciate our strengths and successes, expanding our skill set at work, becoming more assertive or selfish, or understanding the patterns that exist in our lives.

All of these outcomes rely on psychological courage and the leap we must take to engage it. Bringing more psychological courage to life can bring all kinds of opportunities leading us towards the life we want to live and the person we want to be.

Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids

We look at how to raise kids with high Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

Would you prefer to have a child who lacks confidence, social skills, motivation or the ability to express their feelings — but is brilliant academically? Or would you prefer a child who might not excel academically but can show empathy, kindness, problem-solving ability and confidence?

At primary school, Rick has lots of friends and is involved in lots of clubs. He listens well, shows empathy for others, and tries to help when he can so that others will trust him.

His younger sister Emma, however, is quiet and creative, and has only a few close friends. But she’s also a good listener and easy to talk to. She shares her feelings a little and uses music and art to express them. Both Rick and Emma have high emotional intelligence. They are connected to their feelings, manage and express them in helpful ways, and understand and have empathy for others’ feelings.

Jasper is in Rick’s class. Like Rick he’s extroverted, he knows everyone, loves to be centre of attention and is always telling people how he feels. However, Jasper is aggressive and demanding. He has few close friends and doesn’t cope when others disagree with him. He also doesn’t care or notice how others respond to his outbursts.

Sally is Emma’s friend and is introverted like Emma. She focuses on facts and bottles up her feelings. She loves science and maths, but hates being in groups and never asks for help. Most people feel they don’t understand Sally as she rarely expresses herself. Sally and Jasper both have a lower EQ.

What is EQ?

While IQ, the Intelligence Quotient, measures how well you can adapt to culture on intellectual measures such as general knowledge, spatial and verbal reasoning and memory, Emotional Intelligence or EQ refers to how well you can adapt to your culture at an emotional level. In a child, this means being able to identify emotions in themselves and others and responding to these feelings in constructive ways. Even if a child can perceive another’s feelings, they might still ignore them or continue to say something hurtful. Or they might be able to identify their own feelings but not know how to process or manage them. A high EQ means a child understands what’s causing their feelings, and they use this to respond appropriately in ways that make themselves feel better and ways that don’t hurt others. They can also help others manage their feelings better.

The impact of a high EQ?

Although Jasper and Sally might have a high IQ, they are less likely to succeed in life because of their lower EQ. Many studies support this trend. A 19-year study from the American Journal of Public Health found that a child’s social and emotional skills in kindergarten predicted later success. Children who were able to share, cooperate and follow direction at age five were more likely to obtain college degrees and to begin working in full-time jobs by age 25.

Another large longitudinal study cited in Psychology Today of 450 boys observed over 40 years found that IQ had little relation to life success. The best predictors were being able to get along with others, handle frustration and control emotions. In other words, high EQ.

As one might expect, children with high EQ are found to build better relationships because they can better manage conflict, develop deeper friendships in which feelings can be shared, and can better manage conflict because they can manage their own and others’ feelings. Because they can process and manage their feelings and develop deeper friendships, they are also less likely to develop mental health issues.

How do you parent?

John Gottman in Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child outlines four parenting styles as follows. You might find you draw from one or more styles at different times.

The dismissing parent

Here the parent treats the child’s feelings as unimportant or trivial, and either ignores them, distracts them or makes light of them and shows little interest in them. They see the child’s emotions as irrational or toxic and think focusing on them will make them worse. They downplay the events leading to the feelings and think the child is always demanding that they fix things when they may just want to be soothed.

The disapproving parent

This parent is like the dismissing parent but more exaggerated. They criticise the child, reprimand or punish the child for emotional expression even when they aren’t misbehaving, believe they should limit the time of emotional expression or control it. They believe the child only expresses feelings to manipulate and that emotions make people weak.

With the above two styles the child learns their feelings are wrong or invalid, and that there is something inherently wrong within themselves for having feelings. They may internalise the belief “I’m bad” or “I don’t matter.” They also don’t learn how to regulate their feelings.

The laissez-faire parent

All emotional expression is accepted from this parent and the child is comforted, but little guidance is offered and no limits are set. The child also isn’t taught how to solve problems, as such parents tend to believe that there is little you can do about negative feelings except ride them out. Here the child doesn’t learn how to regulate their feelings; because of this they may have trouble concentrating and getting along with others.

The emotion coach

This parent views the child’s negative feelings as an opportunity for intimacy — to bond with and teach the child. They listen to the child and are sensitive to their feelings even if they are subtle. They empathise with and label the child’s emotion, then offer guidance on how to regulate their feelings. They can also set limits and teach acceptable ways to express their feelings that don’t hurt others. Finally, they teach problem-solving. The power comes from the bond with the child rather than aggression or control. Here the child learns that they and their feelings matter. They trust their feelings, regulate them and solve problems. They have good self-esteem and relate well to others. But how do you develop this bond? The ideas presented here are a good place to start.

How to help your kids

Label your child’s emotions

Children need to develop a vocabulary so they can recognise and express their feelings. When your child frowns and tells you that no one played with him at school, you might say “You seem really sad about that.” If they stamp their foot after losing a game you could say, “You sound pretty angry that you didn’t win.” Labelling their feelings building their feeling vocabulary and validates them.

Show empathy

When you show empathy, you take labelling feelings one step further and show your child you understand how it might feel to stand in their shoes. When done well it usually has the effect of soothing and settling another’s emotions. When someone is empathic towards you, you feel truly understood and heard. You may even understand yourself and your situation better.

So, again, when your child frowns and tells you that no one played with him at school, try saying, “You seem sad about that. It’s really hard sometimes when you’re learning to make friends. You can feel all alone.”

And again, when they stamp their feet having lost a game, try saying, “You sound so angry. It can be really frustrating when you lose, can’t it?”

When you show empathy children learn they matter, are lovable and worthy, and that their feelings matter. These messages are priceless and are the basis of a healthy self-confidence. It also helps a child bond with you, and when a child feels bonded they are more likely to respond to what you ask of them.

Model appropriate ways to express feelings

When your child starts throwing their toys around the room and screaming, firmly but gently ask them to stop ask them to tell you why they are feeling angry or frustrated. If they can’t label their feelings give them some suggestions. “Are you feeling angry because you are bored and want to play a different game? Are you hungry or tired?” Then empathise. “It’s frustrating when you get bored of a game. But instead of screaming come and tell me how you feel or what you need.” If your child is little and can’t yet talk, remember that appropriate touch is powerful. Holding, stroking their arm, or hugging them while you say something soothing can often help.

Teach healthy coping skills

Once your child can label their feelings, they need to learn how to deal with them. Your child might be encouraged to draw or paint intense feelings, talk to you about them, write — if they can — about them, or kick or hit a ball outside if they are really angry. It’s important you allow your child to have their feelings, but it’s also important they learn to calm themselves down.

Belly breathing is a really good skill to teach them if when they are scared or angry. Tell them to very gently and very slowly breathe into their belly and watch it rise up like a balloon, then as they breathe out tell them to let the air out of their balloon. Have them do this very gently for at least five, gentle, slow breaths. This calms their nervous system and turns off the fight (the angry) and flight (the anxious) response.

Colouring-in books, joke books or soothing music or lotions may also help. You can put items that help in a container which they then can go to when they are upset.

Develop problem-solving skills

Part of building emotional intelligence involves learning how to solve a problem when necessary. After feelings have been labelled and understood, it’s time to try and fix the problem.

Perhaps your child is angry that his sister keeps interrupting him while he’s playing a video game. Help him identify at least five ways he might solve this problem. Don’t take over and rescue him as it’s good for the child to learn to do this himself. Solutions don’t have to be good ideas. Initially, the goal is to just brainstorm ideas and allow him to make mistakes. Then help him assess the pros and cons of each idea and encourage him to pick the best option.

When your child makes mistakes, work through what could have been done differently. Tell them mistakes are normal and a part of learning and growing. Work on helping your child see that they have the ability to solve problems on their own.

Own your mistakes

We all make mistakes as parents. We lose our temper sometimes, we might swear occasionally, or behave in a way we are not proud of. It’s important to own this when it happens and apologise. If your child is hurt from your poor behaviour and you don’t apologise, they will feel this injustice and lose trust in you. When you own your mistakes, you are also teaching them that mistakes are normal and not shameful. Remember the more you are aware of your own issues the less chance you have of taking them out on your children.

Love them

It seems so obvious but it’s important to reflect on how you show your child you love them. Do you tell them? Hug them? Praise them? Do you praise them only when they are really successful at something, or look especially beautiful? If it’s the latter, they might get the message they are only lovable and acceptable if they meet certain standards. Try and give love without conditions — and give extra praise for when you notice them “trying their best” at something. This will motivate them to do their best regardless of the outcome. Unconditional love fosters a child who can love themselves and others unconditionally.

Sonia Zadro Sonia Zadro is a clinical psychologist with 20 years’ experience and a freelance writer. She is interested in helping people heal and opening their minds through science.